Argotte Wins First Civil War Event 31.478 to 11.342

Excerpts from History of the Argottean Federation

Chapter 4, continued

15 Nits 330—Hurlsburg Royal Palace. Government officials proudly announced today that combatant action groups from Argotte were successful last night in the first officially sanctioned civil war event on Solar Orbiting Habitat 4. The three teams were transported to and from Habitat 4 free of charge on Hreeli Consortium Garbage Scow 83-15-3.G.32A that visits Habitat 4 under a Waster Removal and Recycling Contract negotiated by Hreeli Consortium contract negotiator first class Buti bnu’Tun’snuf’ti and SOHO Central Waster Control administrator second class Stivi kri’Ten’juli’pi.

The junior varsity combatant action group from Taardi’velt Plain, making their first appearance in the civil war, scored 18 deaths to 5 within the first three minutes of play in their match against an obviously lesser trained combatant action group for Solar Orbiting Habitat 4, Spoke 5. Sisi phi’Buk’titi’tu led all dancers with 4 consecutive cranial deaths and 7 deaths total.

“On the first death, Sisi performed a near perfect right to left pirouette followed quickly by a deep squat with genitals exposed to his intended victim, who at that very moment was performing a rather ragged right turning quick step with left swish to one of Sisi teammates and, therefore, didn’t see Sisi rise up in an almost flawless pne’Bum swirl that ended with a quick jab with Sisi’s lentil fork into his victim’s left temple,” said Cumph mni’Bded’goosi’di, command sergeant, for the Taardi’velt Plain group.

“Blüd be praised, the blood from Sisi’s first victim squirted onto my face and broke my reverie at actually participating in a civil war event,” said Sisi’s teammate Duub tha’Piz’bubi’banz. “I quickly shook off my concrete slippers, pirouetted left to right, I have to admit it was a very bad pirouette and I’m sure I lost style points, and did a quick up thrust with my cattle prod directly into the heart of the dancer next to Sisi’s victim. Blüd be praised my victim bled all over the linoleum or I’d probably be walking home tonight.”

The final results of the junior varsity team were 20 deaths to 7, giving a combined kill score of 0.875; the combined team style score was 8.32 against their opponents 5.37, giving a final score of 7.375; their technical expertise score of 9.31 against 4.74, resulted in a final score of 11.425; calculated to a final combined score of 7.87.

The final results of the varsity team were 18 deaths to 11, for a combined kill score of 2.444; the combined team style score was 9.13 against 8.78, for a final score of 1.4; the technical expertise score of 9.67 against 9.59, for a final score of 0.320; calculated to a final combined score of 1.041.

The senior varsity team results were 19 deaths to 3, for a combined kill score of 1.105; the combined team style score was 9.89 against 9.14, for a final score of 5.25; the technical expertise score of 9.76 against 9.83, for a final score of –0.49; calculated to a final combined score of 0.838 (rounded).

Individual achievement awards include Sisi’s 4 consecutive cranial kills for an unprecedented 16 points, Sisi’s total kill score of 2.8; senior varsity team member Hub ni’Binz’thi’pi who performed a flawless three turn death spiral with self-emasculation for 1.429 (rounded) style points; and, varsity team member Cob pni’Cunz’slub’niss who scored a personal high of 6 unassisted deaths, for a total kill score of 1.5.

In accordance with approved formulae established by official enumerators of the Committee for the Prosecution of the Argotte-SOHO Civil War, the final results were tabulated and registered as Argotte 31.478 (rounded) to Solar Orbiting Habitat 4, Spoke 7, 11.342 (rounded).