War is Declared

Excerpts from History of the Argottean Federation

Chapter 4, continued

1 Hurl 291—Solar Orbiting Habitat 3, Argotte system. Bubu pna’Muph’eta’tihi, Grand Burpidottir of SOHO (Solar Orbiting Habitat Organization), stood stark naked before the SOHO Grand Assembly of Representative Engineers and Select Burpiholders waving the most holy chromed adjustable wrench with her left hand while holding the gold-plated, ten and four receptacle, extension cord and stated in a clear, distinct voice, “I speak through Stan’s holy breath (cough), brought to this place by believers in Hurl’s holy phlegm (spit). Believers from a place where our ancestors were forced to leave by thoughtless bureaucrats (long fart) who could never know a power driver from a variable speed drill (wave holy wrench left to right). With Stan’s holy approval (cough), I declare war on those bureaucrat’s vile offspring (three short juicy farts). Righty Tighty Lefty Loosey. May we achieve true victory through engineering truth (spit).”

Watching from the third row, Dweema czn’Zaat’mna’cuula, Exterior Power Electrician First Class SOHO 6 and Select Burpiholder, Range 3, Spoke 7, got to his feet, immediately quieting the Grand Assembly, for it is always most offensive to stand in the presence of a naked Grand Burpidottir of SOHO. All eyes, especially Bubu pna’Muph’s, were on the lowly electrician as he began to sing, “It was only crème, white gooey crème.”

Then the entire Grand Assembly rose to their feet and joined Dweema in singing the SOHO national anthem, “Burpi’s Crème Pie.”

After the vote to ratify the declaration of war, members of the Grand Assembly joined Bubu pna’Muph, now wearing traditional Hurlsday SOHO attire of translucent forest green plastic coveralls and black over teal work sandals, for rewarmed sweet tea and stale saltines in the foyer. Security personnel escorted Dweema to the nearest airlock and expelled him into deadly vacuum.